slomo

It feels like life's been on pause or on slow motion for several days now. Not really much to do. Yesterday I sat on the dock for a while just watching and listening to the sea gulls. They seem to be making a lot of noise lately.. must be mating or something. There also seems to be some sort of feeding frenzy with them going on in the bay past discernable eyesight.. maybe they are eating remnants of the baitfish that are being eaten by schools of blue fish, or maybe they're feasting on the jellyfish that have proliferated in the bay the last couple of years. whatever.

I've been spending a considerable amount of time on the computer which is feeling more and more like my window to the world lately. Also learning some tunes on the guitar (new J.J. songs), putting pictures in albums, watching some videos from Blockbuster (The Life Aquatic, City of God, Elekra...), reading short stories from Tolstoy (quite rewarding). Going from activity to activity occupies most of the day with a level enjoyment, yet occasionally in the gaps there comes upon me a feeling of boredom which borderlines on dispair. When the present is so empty, and both past and future are faint projections shrouded in the mist of my own imperfect and limited recollection/imagination, I begin to doubt myself... to question what the hell I am doing here... to wonder if I am forgetting how to live. But after a few moments the fog is lifted, and I am able to pick up the guitar or book again as if nothing happened.

I don't know what to make of it. In such a controlled and comfortable and isolating environment, much of it I think has to do with my need for community and the dimension of unknown and otherness it brings. Yet why is it so hard for me to find the energy to call or email the friends I know I should want to?? I don't know. Laziness, or inertia perhaps.